The Boundaries Are Where We Thrive

Instead of paragraphs of formal prose, I’d like to offer something different for this post on this essential topic. Boundaries are often focused on as an important awareness in healthy relationships. Understanding boundaries seems to be a lifelong exploration. I’d like to offer some distilled thoughts about boundaries here. May they aid you on your journey.

Consulting Nature

I suggest consulting Nature. Go to a grove of trees or stream bank or pay attention to a patch of lawn and study what nature has to teach about boundaries. Please take this suggestion literally and don’t just do it in your mind. Whatever you learn is your own wisdom to work with. Here are some things that might hold true for you:

The boundaries in nature, the ecotones, are where life tends to thrive. Go to the where two ecosystems meet and you will find the most diversity and abundance almost every time. Boundaries are always about where we can situate ourselves to thrive with others.

The intelligence of the single celled organism is not in the nucleus. It is in the cell wall. It is in the boundary. Every living thing must learn and practice throughout a lifetime what to keep out and what to let in. When organisms are keeping things out, they tend to contract. When they are letting things in, they tend to expand. Both are essential. Humans are no different.

Actively keeping things out costs energy. Letting the right things in gives energy. Sometimes letting the right things in will naturally keep the right things out with almost no extra cost. If boundaries are exhausting, then it is usually a message from our own personal being saying that it needs to focus more on what to let in. Letting in something nutritious for your organism usually registers as positive, low-intensity, non-addictive, not substance-related, wholesome pleasure. If my cup is full, then I am not going to be thirsty. You can’t fill a full cup. So, if my cup is full of good things that bring me alive, I won’t be as prone to fill it with suffering.

No Boundary in the Universe is Absolute. No boundary keeps everything out or lets everything in. No boundary stays the same forever. It seems then, that boundaries are always responding to relationships in the moment. They are intelligent and alive. There is a common fear that when we put up a boundary, it is means that it is absolute, impermeable, or forever. You can choose what parts of a person, place, or dynamic that you want to keep out and what you want to let in.

Many of us get in trouble and lose our own boundary or overstep others’ boundaries when we confuse empathy for merging. When someone else’s suffering becomes our own suffering, there is a boundary breach. Just because we feel with someone, it does not mean that it is our job to fix their bad feelings or make the good ones happen. This can be a very difficult distinction, but it seems essential over time. It gets more confusing when you feel someone else’s reactions in your own body (which we all do to some degree), and that can make it unclear what is yours and what is theirs. Increasing consciousness of our own body reactions and how to work with them tends to develop discernment over time.

If a boundary is not honored, it usually gets more rigid and global. This is an appropriate response. The person, place, or dynamic that is not honoring the boundary is responsible for changing their own behavior and managing their own emotions. A boundary is not a rejection unless you need it to be. If you need it to be, then you have a sovereign right to do so.

Other people are not responsible for managing your organism or your emotions. When we do make them responsible, we disempower ourselves and we are trying to breach their boundaries.

If there is too much attempted boundary breach, organisms in nature tend to connect with others that will help. If a tree in the woods is sick, other trees will send nutrients through the mycelium and root network. If a person has an infection, they will take medicine into their organism. If someone is being oppressed or aggressed, then connecting with others or connecting with what gives strength and wellness can be key in changing the situation.

The more skillful with boundary over time, the more differentiated it tends to become. Also, it tends to be less active work. As your personal boundaries of what you most healthfully take in and what you most healthfully keep out, you may find that you don’t have to manage other people as much. They will sort themselves out for you, and often people will tend to orient around the place where you are available for them. The Nature of this seems to be that this kind of orientation is a place of thriving for everyone involved, and it usually feels very good and like it’s not much work at all.

~May You Thrive in All Your Relationships~

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